...and love may cross my mind, from time to time.

My emotions are always fucked up. When I was little I remember being happy…most of the time. If when I grow up and my emotions stay the same….wow….I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I understand now why so many teenagers take their lives, but I don’t condone it. Not at all. But still I see where their coming from.

“Natalie. Natalie, wake up.”

Nathan didn’t even have to say my name, ‘cause I was already awake.

“Yes?”

“Turn around.”

I turned over and faced him, but I closed my eyes. He kissed my lips and whispered, while still on my lips, “Can I tell you something?”

“Anything.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” And we both smiled.

When we woke up it was raining, raining hard. 

As I got out of bed, Nathan wrapped his arms around my waist.

“No, Nathan. We have to go to school,” I half chuckled. 

“No. Let’s stay here. Let’s go take a walk in the rain, anything other than school.” I felt him smiling behind me.

I sigh and give in. I lay next to him and wrap his arms around mine and push my head into his chest. I could here his heart jumping through his shirt. We laid like that for hours. 

“Ok, let’s go.”

Nathan jumped out of bed and slipped on some dirty jeans, a wrinkled T-shirt, and his North Face rain coat.

“Come on! Get up, were going on a walk missy.”

I slowly started getting out of bed, but Nathan reached over and picked me up. I giggled and wrapped my legs around his waist. He started to spin around, I was surprised he didn’t trip sense the floor was cluttered with months of overdue laundry. He sped up, causing my head to fall towards his face. Our noses touched and Nathan slows to a stop. He looks into my eyes and kissed my lips so passiontley I have to catch my breath. My head starts to spin, I wasn’t sure if it was from circling around or the breath taking kiss. He detaches away and we lean against each other’s foreheads. 

Nathan lets me down, our bodies still touching, his giving off a static tingle. I lay my head on his chest and we wrap our arms around each other. 

“I love you.” Nathan says, clear as day. No hesitation.

“I love you too. More than you even know.”

“I know. I know.”

We stayed like that for a little while, till the sound of rain pouring down hit us. It was the perfect time to take a walk. I slipped on an old pair of rain boots by the door and grabbed an umbrella. Nathan slipped on his boots and skipped the umbrella.

“Wait, aren’t you going to grab an umbrella? It’s poring.”
“No, you got one. It’s gonna be cold, I gotta be close and keep you warm.” While he said this he smiled and put us chest to chest. He moved my long bangs out of my face and kissed me on the cheek. We both smiled. 

“OK, let’s go.” Nathan and I scurried out the door together and stood on the porch to open the umbrella.

“So, where are we walking to?” I yelled over the pouring rain.

“Where ever you want to. Just walk.”

We huddled underneath the umbrella. I held the umbrella and Nathan put his arm around my waist, keeping me close. The rain was poring so hard, Nathan had to use his other hand to help me keep it up straight. Nathan was tapping his fingers on my hip as he held me close, making me feel like he was nervous in a way, which made me on edge. 

“Are you alright?” I say, as I look up at him.

“Ya. I’m fine. Why?” Those short sentences made me even more nervous.

“You seem a little off.”

“I’m great.” He says and smiles, not showing his teeth. “Let’s go this way.” He points toward a small garden covered by a tan tent, protecting the flowers from the summer heat and winter rain, that one of his few neighbors has put their hard work and heart into.

“Look how cute.” I say and smile at the small pond I can see past the small gate, full of water lillies. Nathan sacrefises his left hand to open the gate and gets it drenched by the down pour. When he retracts it back and helps me hold the umbrella again, I pull down my sweater sleeves and use them to cover his cold, wet fingers. He smiles.

When we enter the garden, we finally get to relax our muscles. 

“Oh my gosh, this is so cool. Look all the snap dragons! My favorite.” I walk to the middle of the garden and ponder over all the gorgeous flowers. Then I feel Nathan’s lips on my neck. “What are you doing?” I giggle. 

“Kissing you,” he whispers in between breaths. I move to the side and turn my head to look back. Nathan looks up.

“Why?” I say, totally taken back, like we were in the blistering sun at a rock concert.

“Because, well it seems like the perfect moment to.” He smiles his half crooked smile, leaning to kiss me again.

“Wait, can we do it somewhere else?”

“Where did you have in mind?” He replies with a playful voice, almost like he knows where I’m wanting to go.

I hesitate, wanting to remember this moment for the rest of my life, I say, “In the rain.”

He cocks his head to the side and smiles. Wide and bright, just like the first day I met him. Nathan grabs my hand and the umbrella. He opens the gate once again, just like the way we came in and steps a foot outside the garden. We walk halfway into the dirt, now mud, path. 

“Mental picture.” He blinks hard and opens his soft blue eyes. I do the same.

He leans in close, brushing his lips on mine, keeping his voice as soft as he can. He then  whispers, “I love you, Natalie Lynn Brook.” Then he kisses me as passionately as I think their is possible. He lets go of the umbrella, and lets the wind take it to far places, letting the pouring rain barge in on us. I run my fingers through his soft blond hair. Taking long breaths as often as I can. Smelling and feeling Nathan this close to me has always been in my wildest dreams. Everything and anything that has or could happen is in the past. I feel him prooving himself as hard as he can with each kiss. These are the things that make us perfect for each other. 

I lay my hand flat on his chest, and inch myself away from his lips, but only an inch. He lifts my hood over my drenched head and looks down into my eyes. 

I’m about to say it, it’s at the tip of my tongue, but do  have enough confidence. I don’t know. But after a few seconds, it finds it’s way into the air.

“I’m ready.”

We run through the down poor, no umbrella, no hoods, hand in hand. By this time were completely drenched and as we turn the corner towards Nathan’s tiny house, we both slip in a huge mud puddel, covering us head to toe in wet, sticky mud. We both laugh as loud as we can, like it’s a game. I look up into his eyes as we regain our balance. His playful eyes full of excitement make me feel warm inside, even though my fingertips are numb from the weather. 

Nathan opens the door and slips off his muddy boots and I do the same. We’ve been holding each other’s hands tight the whole way home. Nathan sweeps me off the ground and I wrap my mud covered legs around his torso. I kiss his neck as he leads us toward the bathroom. It’s now. Right now. Know where to turn. And even though I had been so hesitant before, right now seems like the perfect moment. As if, kissing in the rain was a dream and now me being carried toward the bathroom by Nathan is even a bigger one. 

He sets me down and turns on the shower. He swivels around and grabs my back with one hand and pulls me in close. He’s kissing me so hard and in such a determining way, I get lost in the passion. My head feels dizzy and my body goes weak. I back away for a break and zip his jacket off, as he pulls my school sweatshirt over my head, exposing my chest. Were breathing hard, trying to catch our breath before the next round of intoxicating kissing. Nathan slips off his maroon t-shirt, exposing his beautiful chest and muscly arms. We both slip off our pants.

This is happening, I think. It really is. 

“Wow,” Nathan whispers. 

“What?” I say, covering my stomach with my arms. 

“No,” he replies. He grabs my hands and makes me circle around him. “Your beautiful, Natalie. Thank you so much for this.” As if finally, he’s aprreciating my presence. Before, all he wanted was it. And now, all he wanted was me. The real me.

He grabs my hands and kisses my lips so softly I can’t even breath or reply for that matter. He’s beautiful too. He could be a model. And I’m thankful too. So thankful I can’t even express it in words. 

The mirrors begin to fog and Nathan’s kissing my neck and pushing me into the shower. We submerge ourselves into the water, the perfect temperature. I squeeze my eyes shut as hard as I can. At this moment, I was tempted in standing on my own and taking a mental picture. Just one more. Seems like this day is full of them.

Nathan sets me down, letting me regain my balance and puts his arms around my waist, brushing my lower back with his fingertips. The most intoxicating feeling. 

He brushes my lips with his and kisses my nose. 

“Ready?”

What ready meant caught my breath. I was ready. 

“Ready.” And then a gasp peeped out. 

I rub Nathan’s thigh as I hear my mom walk swiftly out of the office. Like she has something urgent to get too. Well, it really is urgent.

When she looks up, my stomach turns upside down and there’s a huge gap in my heart. Choosing Nathan over my mom isn’t smart, I think. But they both have their flaws.

“Hi, Mary,” Nathan creaks out. He must be nervous. His hands are slightly sweaty when I ravel my fingers into his.

“Don’t you say, ‘Hi, Mary’ to me. Natalie where have you been? It’s been two days! Were you with him?” My mom sounds disgusted, like she can’t believe what she’s seeing, what she’s seen a million times. Nathan and I holding hands on the couch, me leaning slightly into him. 

My mind goes blank. Where have I been? Yes with Nathan, but it flew by so fast. Like it was my own little dream. 

“Yes, I was with Nathan, but…” I don’t know how to defend my side of the story, I can’t. It’s impossible. She stuck up for me when I had no where else to go.  No one, but her to run too.

“Natalie, your so naive.”

“I’m sorry,” Nathan blurts out. I look at him slowly. “I didn’t know what else to say, “ he says under his breath.

I look down. Now, I have to say sorry. We’re children. Just like children being punished. 

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. 

“What?” my mom asks.

“I’m sorry!” I yell.

“Sorry’s not good enough, Natalie. And you,” she points at Nathan, “how dare you touch my daughter!”

Her eyebrows are caving into the middle of her face. She’s frustrated, hurt, anything you could think of, she is. But I am too.

I can’t remeber when I let go of Nathan’s hand, but when my mom walks out and drives away, without a word, he squeezes mine, and whispers, “That went well.”

“Better than I thought it would. She hates you, you know?”

“I know a lot of people who hate me, Natalie.” The way he says my name makes me look up at him. “But, none of them matter.” At that moment, I know he’s speaking to me, not at me, but right to me. To my heart. To my soul. To me.

Nathan and I decide to go back to his place. Even though all I wanted to do is stay home. Where ever my home may be. 

On our way to Nathan’s, Nathan turns his head and puts his arms around my shoulders.

“This is what I like. You in my passenger seat.”

I smile. All of the sweet things he says always get to me.

“Let’s make an actual dinner tonight. Like spaghetti, or even better, fettucini.” He smiles crookedly.

“You know why I…,” he hesitates.

“Why you what?”

He hesitates yet again, staring off into the distance.“Wait one second.”

Nathan pulls to the side of the abandoned road. Woods surround us. He shuts the ignition off. 

“What are you doing?” I ask. Giggling a little.

“What I’m about to say, I want it to be special.”

Privacy. That’s what he wants. He leads me out of the car and walks me toward the woods.

“Why are we going in the woods? Isn’t it a little late?” 

The sun was beginning to go down, but the sunset wasn’t quite ready to begin.

“Just wait, I want to show you something and say something.”

We walked for what seemed like an hour, but Nathan insisted it was only a twenty minute walk. What was Nathan holding up his sleeve? Whatever it was, it was giving me a nervous itch.

After about twenty minutes, Nathan stops me in front of an open clearing. His body blocking my view. 

“Before we do anything, I want to tell you what I second guessed in the car.”

“Your making me nervous, Nathan,” I blurt out.

He raises his eyebrows and asks, “Why?”

“I don’t know. All this taking me into the woods. I talk about dinner, you pull over, and tell me you want to make whatever this is, special. And on top of that-.”

Nathan put his fingers to my lips and says, “I love you, Natalie. That’s what I was going to say. That I love you, because of all the little things. Like you talking about what were going to make for dinner, like were an old married couple,” he chuckles, “and how when your mom was getting angry at me, the hold of your hand makes me feel stronger and more confident. You are my everything and even though my stupid ego put a wedge between us, and I feel that I really have changed. Changed for you, ‘cause I’ll do anything for you. I love you so much and I hope you feel the same.

I’m stunned. His words rushed through his mouth, like he had them planned in his head for weeks. My mouth opens to say everything that’s been glued in my mind, but instead I just whisper, “I love you too.”

He wraps his arms around my waist and swiftly presses his lips to mine. We kiss for what seems like not long enough. 

I back away and ask, “So, what did you want to show me?” 

We catch our breathes and he smiles and tilts his head. Like he almost doesn’t want to stop. I push my hand into his stomach and we start laughing at each other. “There’s enough of that for later,” I say.

“Ok,” he smiles. He grabs my hand and turns to my side. “This is what I wanted to show you.”

As Nathan steps out of view, I find where the light has been hidden. A waterfall is spilling gallons of water in the far corner. Little yellow flowers scatter everywhere and the smell of nearby apple blossoms are fragrant through the air.

I gasp.

“What’s with all these nice places your taking me too?” I smile.

He looks at me and opens his mouth. Choosing his words carefully, he says. “Your worth it.”

Am I worth it? I wasn’t sure. I always thought he was worth it too. He putting all this work into finding a romantic spot to spend a night at. A regular tuesday night. Then I realized, how many days have we skipped school this past couple of weeks? I couldn’t keep track, that’s not good. 

He breaks my train of thought and says nervously, “I have sleeping bags behind that rock over there,” he points to a nearby rock, covered in moss, “Do you want to spend the night here? With me? I promise I’ll make it fun.”

I didn’t know if I wanted to. I hated camping, but taht was back when my mom and dad were together. They would fight constantly. Mom yelling, “Why are we going camping if we can’t even afford our electricity bill?” My father yelling back, “Stop being so uptight, Mary!”

These arguments implanted into my mind. But when I’m here with Nathan…it all feels different. Like we could stay entertained for hours, staring up at the stars. Loosing ourselves in each other’s voices. It didn’t matter what, as long as Nathan was by my side. 

“Ok,” I agree.

Nathan stares down at me for a second, but then turns away and slides my hand in his and smiles. He leads me to the waterfall and kneels down to untie his shoes.

“What are you doing?” I smile and ask.

“We’re going for a swim.” He stands up straight to slip off his shows, looks at me and smiles. He slips off his shirt as well, exposing his sun-ridden skin. Nathan played lacrosse and basketball. You could imagine his torso was well off,

Natalie gazed at him. It didn’t matter if they were in pitch darkness or broad daylight. Whenever Nathan took his shirt off, all I wanted to do was to be close to him. So close, that nothing could come between us. 

Natalie looked down at what she was wearing. A ripped green V-neck and light-wash skinny jeans. “If your trying to get me nearly naked it’s not going to work.” She giggles. 

Nathan shifts his head up fast and smiles. Something about his smile made Natalie wince. “I’de never try to do that,” he says sarcasticly. “No, I sneaked a bathing suit from the house. It’s in that bag underneath the rock.” Nathan points toward a moss covered rock near the water edge.

“Your so thoughtful,” I say. I reach my hand underneath the rock and feel the slippery texture of the bag and soft crinkling sounds as I retreve it. I look up and there’s Nathan, standing in only his boxers flexing his arms. I laugh and it echos throught the trees.

“Your ridiculous,” I laugh out and throw hiss board shorts at his chest. He giggles and slips them on. I look around and find a nearby wall of trees to change behind. I walk towards them, but can feel Nathan’s eyes on my back. I turn around fast and catch Nathan’s wondering eyes. 

“Oh my god, go away! You perv!” I playfully yell, with a smile from ear to ear.

He just chuckles and turns away. I slip behind the trees and hang the bag on a branch. I slide my ripped T-shirt off and jeans. Being naked in the middle of a forest wasn’t really on Natalie’s future goals list, but none the less, she slipped off her undergarments and stuffed them in the plastic bag. She retrieved her bathing suit, seeing which one Nathan pulled from the draw at home. A teal polka dot one, strapless. He would, she thought. She shook her head and slipped on her bottoms. For a moment, Natalie felts eyes watching her, she looked through the compact grown branches and found Nathan sitting on a large rock, peering in her direction. 

She gasped and covered, what she could, with her arms. “Can you see me?” She asked angrily.

“You don’t want me to see you?” Nathan yelled back.

He could see her. Something about that night at his house in the shower, made her feel…disturbed. Even though Nathan would give her compliments every few minutes that night, saying lucky he was and how beautiful she looked. She still had a feeling of awkwardness. The truth was, she was embaressed of her body, and she had been for a long time. Even before that night. 

Natalie clutched her bathing suit and pulled it on in a flash. She even pulled out her T-shirt and pulled that on too. She snatched the bag from the branch and stepped out into the clearing. 

Nathan stood up. “I wasn’t staring or anything, I mean I wasn’t trying to…” He sounded nervous, guilty almost.

“It’s fine, Nathan. I though the trees would cover everything. Wow, your just full of lust today.” She stepped into his chest and he gave her a big, warm hug. He sighs and kisses her head.

“I was just trying to get to, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. No big deal.”

It was hot out in the clearing. Almost eighty five. She backed away from his embrace and walked over to the water. Dipping her feet in the shallow water, Natalie could hear Nathan’s footsteps behind her. 

Without turning around, Natalie softly says, “If you push me in, you won’t know what’s coming.” She felt his smile behind her and turned around quickly, trying not to slip, but that was no use.

Nathan grabbed her with his arm by the waist and held her just above the water. She let out a high-pitched scream and wailed her arms up and down. They were laughing at the top of their lungs as Nathan yelled, “One…two…three!” He threw her up in the air, landing her right in the middle of the pool. Natalie held her breath at last minute, before she was submerged in the water. It was too cold for her liking, but the clean, fresh spring water was like butter across her skin. 

As she caught her balance of the pebbles under her feet, she lifted her head above water and could hear Nathan still laughing as he waided himself to her.

“Not funny,” she said, trying to hide her smile.

“Not funny? Should I do it again to make you laugh?” He said walking faster and closer to her.

“No! No. It was funny. Hilarious,” she said sarcasticly, backing away. She stopped just next to the waterfall. The rushing of water was too loud for her to hear Nathan’s voice. She looked up behind her, feeling the falling mist, brush her skin. In the middle of the falling water, there was a wide split from a rock just above. Natalie walked cautiously underneath, discovering a small cave, infested with tiny blue flowers on the cave shelves. 

Natalie gasped and picked a flower, holding it before her eyes. Then she felt Nathan’s hands on her hips. Brushing his lips on her neck. A thrilling sensation went through her body, she moaned under her breath. He moved her hair to the other side of her head and whispered in her ear, “I was staring at you. I lied. Only, because I believe your beautiful. Even if you can’t see it.” No, Natalie thought, I was right. She was, after Nathan was caught staring and turned around, he couldn’t help himself. His eyes followed her sillouette the whole evening through.

“I don’t think I’m beautiful…at all.” She blurted out. Where did that come from? These comments she was making were always kept deep, down inside. Never did she want them to seep out. But it was Nathan. Only, Nathan.

“Let me make you feel beautiful.” Then Nathan spinned her around and gently pressed her up against the cave wall. He kissed her forehead, nose, then lips so softly, she barely felt it. At each spot he kissed he whispered, “This is beautiful, and this, and this…” He finished with kissing her eyes and when he pulled away, she didn’t want to open them. Not anymore. What Nathan saw in his eyes, was what Natalie wanted to see in hers. She knew it couldn’t be done, but she could only wish.

“Natalie?” He asks. She opens her eyes slowly. Reality. “Do you wanna…”

She opens her eyes wide and looks at Nathan’s face up and down. “Do I wanna, what?” She knew what he was gonna insist. No. She didn’t want to, not here. Even though it was perfect not hear. And as thoughts flooded through her mind, a distant image popped into her mind. Nathan’s hand slapping her cheek.

“Do you wanna…you know? What we did tuesday? Would you want to?”

“No.” Natalie blurted out, light as day.

Nathan backed up fast and waded back into the pool. Oh god, Natalie thought, not again. 

“Nathan,” she called after him.

“What?” He yelled back.

“What do you mean, ‘What’? Where are you going?”

“Home.”

“Why are we going home?”

“No. Not ‘we’. I am going home.”

I jilt went through Natalie’s chest. She started running through the water, finding herself to the shore. Was he going to leave me here, was her instant thought. 

Nathan crawled out of the water and grabbed his shirt and jeans. He found his jean’s front pocket and found his truck keys. 

“Wait, your not gonna leave me here, are you?” 

He ignored her. Quickly, Natalie jumped out of the water and ran after him. He was already walking into the forest, the way they came in.

“Nathan! Why are you acting like this?” He ignored her again. “Ok. So, your gonna act like a spoiled brat and ignore me. You such a fucking asshole Nathan. You never change. After all that. After everything that nice and romantic! You don’t get what you want, then you throw a fit?! Whatever, I don’t need you.” The last part she said underneath her breath, she wasn’t sure if that was true or not. 

Nathan stopped in his tracks and didn’t turn around. “What did you call me?” He sounded so angry. It made Natalie’s skin crawl.

Note: Sorry for the mistakes. Kinda hard to proof read almost 6,000 words. :) I take constructive criticism. Oh, and this is my latest entries, didn’t include the beginning, though it would be REALLY long with it. Enjoy!